Yesterday, I went to a diocesean youth rally with my youth group from high school. I was excited to go, but I wasn’t expecting any big revelations or anything: my faith life is fine. Or so I thought.
It started when I went to confession. After I confessed my sins, the priest told me that he knew that I was going to be holy, and that God was proud of me and my efforts to be holy. I was surprised. Usually, priests will tell me what to do differently, and what I’ve been doing wrong. I’ve never been told I was doing right. He also told me I had a roadblock in my heart that was keeping me from holiness.
I thought I knew what that was, but during adoration, something hit me. Something that I had hidden deep in my heart. Feelings of fear, rejection, anger, and much more. It was a walking adoration, and as the priest reached my aisle with the monstrance, I began to sob. The priest came to me, and I looked up, and all I could ask was ‘why?’ as I stared at Jesus. The priest put Jesus closer to my face. A song about trusting in Jesus was on, and I realized that I didn’t trust Jesus. “I don’t know what You want from me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Who am I? What do you want from me?” And loud and clear, Jesus answered me, “You are mine, and I want you to trust in me. I have a plan, and you’ll know in good time. You just need to trust.”
I never realized that I have a difficult time trusting Jesus, but since then, it seems so obvious. I trust my dreams and plans more than I trust His.
As I begin to put total trust in Christ, I know that my life will change for the better. My heart will soften, my eyes will open. I’ll keep you updated.