Sometimes I win.

The inescapable discomfort.Today, I got my driver’s permit. Due to the fact I’m twenty years old, and sixteen is the legal age in CT to get your driver’s permit, some of you may be confused as to why I’m bragging about this.

Here’s why: I took the test for the first time when I was sixteen. I psyched myself out and failed. I took it again right before my eighteenth birthday, and failed again. My anxiety told me it was because I was dumb and not ready to drive. Actually, it told me I was worthless and too messed up to be able to drive. Ever. 

Even though I didn’t have my permit, I’d practice driving with my parents. The knowledge that my driving wasn’t legal caused a lot of anxiety within me. Over Easter break last year, I was backing out of the driveway when I almost drove through my neighbor’s fence. I burst into tears, and refused to get behind the wheel again. My anxiety won.

My anxiety has been more controlled lately, so two weeks ago, I made an appointment to retake the test, for the third time. After prayer, and lots and LOTS of studying, I went to the DMV today.

I was terrified as I sat at the computer screen. Some questions, I had NO idea of what the answer could be. I was certain that I was going to fail. But when I clicked ‘finish test’… I discovered I had slayed the dragon that was my anxiety.

If you ask me, I screw up all the time. I allow for my mental illnesses to take hold of me, and to run my life. I fail. But today, I won. And that’s an accomplishment that I’m proud of.

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