100 Happy Days: Day 4

100 Happy Days: Day 4

Finding out I got an A in my Theology class, Lay Ministry, was the highlight of my week.

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Defending the Impractical Students

As of Thursday, I am officially halfway done with my college career. I can’t even believe it. Freshman year went by so slow, but Sophomore year? I feel like I blinked, and then I was done.

I started off the fall semester  but finally taking the classes needed for my majors. I took Introduction to Literary Study I, and Introduction to Christian Theology. I also discovered that I’m good at philosophy, and really like it, to boot! Because I hate myself, I declared myself an English and Theology Major with a minor in Philosophy.

Katie before declaring her double major and minor.

Katie post-declaration of double major and minor.

But really, I am so glad I took on that Philosophy minor. It goes beautifully with Theology and English, and I have learned so much because of the classes I’ve taken and the skills they have taught me. Even though Theology, English, & Philosophy are considered to be three of the most useless majors (rude), I am so passionate about all three and the good they can do in the world.

Really, is any major “practical”? It’s incredibly rare for college students to find a job in their major right after graduation, and most majors require a Masters’ degree to get anything done. You can’t really do anything with a psychology or sociology degree unless you go to school for at least two more years.

There are going to be people who judge me for my decisions, but there are also so many people who support me, and even respect me for it. Something I have learned is that, often, my biggest judge is myself.  That’s also the hardest judge to defend myself to. I can tell everyone why I’ve chosen my majors, “Because it’s what I love”, but when my inner judge comes out, no defense  is good enough to excuse my “crime” of impractical majors.

I find myself second guessing my English major almost daily, “Should I have gone with communications instead? What if no one wants to hire me simply because I’m an English major?” Maybe choosing communications would have been more practical, but it wouldn’t have led me to the self-discovery and passion I’ve found as an English major.

In the long run, I hope that’s what matter. When I’m sitting in a job interview, and my interviewer asks why I chose English as opposed to communications, maybe “because I loved it. Because I wanted to learn to analyze, and understand, and write about what I analyzed and understood. I wanted to see how the world influences art, and how art influences the world. I am learning that.

Would I love to have  a big house with a super stable job and a steady and heavy income? Well, duh. I am human. But I also know that things aren’t going to make me happy. If depression has taught me anything, it is that you can get everything you want, and still feel worthless and unloved. Happiness is found in God.

I started this blog post out as “lessons I’ve learned after sophomore year” and it morphed into this… thing. Yeah, I’m not really sure what it is. But, I guess that’s life, huh?

 

 

When God says No.

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So.. He doesn’t say no?

I have this picture up in my room. And I firmly believe that God will never leave me hanging, and that whatever happens, it happens for a reason. 

But sometimes it feels like He’s saying no.

Around a year ago, I applied to lead a retreat on campus. I didn’t get it, and I was heartbroken. I realize now that a huge challenge was about to come my way, and I was not prepared to lead this retreat and take care of myself during this obstacle. The next semester, I took it to prayer, and I heard God’s answer loud and clear: NO. 

I remember being thrown back. No? But I was ready! I wanted this! But I heard it again, “No.”

I was disheartened, but I trusted that God had a plan. That semester, my faith life flourished in ways it hadn’t before. When the time to apply for this semester’s retreat, I applied. My faith life was incredible. Life was amazing, and I was ready. I had my interview, and I thought it went great. My friends all assured me I would get it. 

But then, I didn’t. They explained to me their reasoning, and confirmed that my interview was great. They also asked that I apply again next semester. I understood, but it felt like God was giving me more nos.

I had thought about transferring, but whenever I took it to prayer, I felt so strongly that God had put me where I was for a reason. It made me nervous, and kind of annoyed, to be honest, but I’ve stayed. 

When all my friends were asked to be FOCUS student leaders and I wasn’t, I stayed. I waited. 

It just felt like He was saying no a lot. And that’s caused me a lot of despair in my faith life. I’ve been struggling in prayer, and had no desire to go to mass for the past few weeks. 

And now I understand. God’s never said no. God’s said “trust me”. I’VE been the one who said no, no to trusting.

I ask that as Lent approaches, you keep me in your prayers. I pray I will learn, through the example of Our Blessed Mother, to say “YES” to God’s will, whether it is what I want or not. 

Thank you!

Today, I decided randomly to check my blog stats.

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Ever since I posted this article, the views and comments on my blog have been booming. It is truly, truly humbling and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

When I read “6 reasons to NOT send your daughter to college,” I was angry. I was sad. I felt hurt. It felt like a personal attack on my sister, my mother, my friends, my cousins, and me. Independent women, many of whom are living devout Catholic lives, who went to school simply for a love of learning. That’s why I’m in school. Because I want to know more. I want to learn about the world I live in, about the people who surround me, about my faith and my Church. I’m not here for a career. I’m majoring in English and Theology, neither of those are in the least bit practical.

I believe I am a feminist. I’m against birth control, and abortion, and a lot of other things secular feminists say are “women’s rights,” but I believe that God made men and women equal. Not the same, but equal in their dignity. Everyone deserves an education, regardless of their gender roles.

Again, thank you, and God bless you.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever find that perfect little place I belong at school.

I have no doubt that I’m supposed to be at the Mount. God has given me signs upon signs upon signs… but sometimes it’s hard to be here.

I see groups of people always together, always hanging out. I used to have that, but then I screwed up. Or maybe I didn’t. But things changed. I changed.

Last spring was a mess, I was sobbing in bed on a daily basis. I would have bet on my soul that nobody cared.

This year is better, but it’s still tough. I mean, it’s still the beginning, so things can change, and I think they will. But right now it’s tough. There’s never enough room for me to be able to do things with my friends, or I’m just not invited.

They don’t have to spend every waking moment with me. Hell, I hate doing that. But sometimes it’d be nice to be included instead of feeling like you’re intruding on something.

I’m praying that I’ll find my niche, I know God will show it to me, and that I’ll find it. I just sometimes wish that His timing was more like my own.

Daily Smash Book: 8.30.13

Listening – to Shrek and the crickets outside my window

Eating – just drank a nice mug of Vanilla Creme Brulee coffee 🙂

Wearing – my blue dress

Feeling – at peace.

Weather – 74 degrees and fair

Wanting – More coffee…

Thinking – that it’s time to rewatch The Lizzie Bennet Diaries

Enjoying – Shrek

Mass? – nope

Gym – Yes, this morning with the roommate.

Favorite part of today so far – Now. 🙂